Spitting

‘Have you noticed,’ Johnny rolled his eyes, he wondered how many times he’d heard those three little words from his mate before Steve launched into one of his tirades, ‘how many people are spitting these days? It’s everywhere, wherever you go there always seems to be someone gobbing on to the pavement or in to the gutter. It’s bloody disgusting.’

Johnny thought for a minute, and then nodded. ‘I hadn’t noticed but now you mention it, you’re right.’

‘And it’s everyone too,’  Steve continued 'well no that’s no fair, it’s every man, for some reason women don’t seem to feel the need to spit every other second. I saw a kid of about 7 spitting the other day and a man of about 70. If women don’t need to do it why do they feel the need?’

‘I guess they see their football heroes do it on the TV and think it is okay.’

‘Christ we also see footballers diving at the slightest touch but you don’t see people walking down the street throwing themselves on the floor and rolling round if someone bumps into them. I’m sorry but seeing footballers doing it doesn’t excuse it.’

‘True true,’ agreed Johnny. ‘And they don’t tend to look where they’re spitting. Some kid almost spat on my shoe the other day.’

Steve looked at Johnny in shock. It was rare he ever tried to get a word in edgeways when Steve was in full flow.

‘It’s like porn.’ said Steve

‘Porn? said Johnny, he was used to  Steve’s tenuous links but how was Steve going to link spitting to porn.

‘Yeah, have you noticed,’ there’s that phrase again thought Johnny, ‘that porn is omnipotent these days, it used to be something that was private, frowned upon, that went on behind closed doors but now people openly discuss it on TV on the radio and that’s mostly men too.’

‘Sorry mate but I don’t get your connection, it’s not like you see people using porn in public do you?’

‘Well if you think about it, in some respects you do, I mean there are strip bars open on most high streets these days but my point is that it’s something that used to... quite rightly be taboo and now seems it’s the social norm, I can’t remember when it changed but it has.’

Johnny still thought Steve was stretching a point so decided to stretch his legs by going to the bar to refresh their drinks.

iOS7

Johnny ordered two beers and watched the door, he was a little apprehensive, he was not sure he could handle Steve in that happy mood again. Johnny hoped the positive frame of mind would be ephemeral and tonight Steve would be back to his derisive, obdurate self. Johnny still wasn’t sure if he had been dreaming last week while Steve was extolling the virtues of the Proclaimers, it was just so unlike him. But as soon as he saw the door swing open and his friend walk in Johnny realised he needn’t have worried. Steve had a face like a thunder and Johnny knew his grumpy friend was laden with new woes.

‘Have you seen this? Charming thought Johnny, not even a hello. Steve was holding out his iPhone with the screen illuminated for Johnny to look at.

‘It’s an iPhone?’ Johnny said with a smile, Steve shot him a frigid stare that even by his standards Johnny found slightly disconcerting.

‘Oh you’ve finally upgraded to the new operating system. You don’t like it I presume.’

‘Don’t like it,’ said Steve, ‘I hate it, abhor it, it’s awful. It’s like a 7 year old child has scribbled on a page and those meddlesome boffins at Apple have hailed him a genius and copied his design. But actually that's being a bit harsh on seven year olds.’

‘You’ll get used to it.’ Johnny said knowing that that was not the end of the rant.  

‘Yeah so they say, but it’s horrible, it’s so disconcerting and it looks so childish.’

‘It’s not that bad,’ said Johnny 'it’s pretty logical when you get used to it.’

‘I’d love to know who is culpable for this. But we know don’t we, we know that these older phones can handle the new software, so they’ll slow down and we’ll have to buy new one.’

Johnny hadn’t realised it before but this kind of anger Steve reserved only for his conspiracy theories.

‘They’re devious bastards.’ said Steve.  They know exactly what they’re doing. Just a clever way to make us part with our money. And the clever thing is that they’ve manipulated up to make us believe that change is good, that’s really ingenious, so it looks like they are doing us a favour. But change isn’t good, whatever happened to that old maxim, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it?’

Johnny smiled, he could see Steve’s ire was beginning to wane but it was good to have the old zealot friend back.

500 Miles

‘Well I could walk 500 miles and I could walk 500 more.’ Steve sang along with the song, it was impossible not too.

‘I like this song,’ he said to Johnny who was also singing along. Johnny nodded his agreement.

‘To fall down at your door’ they both finished the song with perfect timing, if not perfect pitch. 

‘Good band the Proclaimers,’ said Steve, really underrated I think. Catchy tunes, nice lyrics, good harmonies. Yeah, good band.’

Johnny rattled a finger around in his ear, did Steve really just say he liked the Proclaimers? It wasn't that Johnny disagreed, it was just that Johnny couldn't believe his mate was being positive about something. 

‘Also, the weird thing about the Proclaimers is that we laughed at them when they came out, do you remember?’ Steve continued. ‘I mean they just looked so spoddy, didn’t they? With those big, rimmed glasses, the slicked back hair and carrot jeans, but look.' Steve pointed at the young barman who was dressed in carrot jeans, was wearing big, rimmed glasses and had slicked back hair. 'They were ahead of their time, they've gone from being clean cut mummy's boys to being trendsetting, fashionistas.’

Johnny had to admit his friend had a point, the 'Proclaimer' look was very much in, but he was still shocked that Steve was being so upbeat, surely there was a big BUT coming soon. But there wasn’t Steve continued in this alien, positive vein.

‘and then there’s the line, how does it go?’ Steve half mumbled and half hummed a line from the song until he got to the point. ‘when the money comes in for the work I do I’ll pass almost every penny on to you.’ Steve sat back and smiled as if just saying the words made the point. It didn’t.

‘And?’ Johnny said.

‘Well, isn’t it obvious, most people would say every penny but the Proclaimers, it’s almost every penny they just hold a little back for themselves for fags and booze.  It’s lovely.’  Johnny couldn't handle this positivity, what was going on? He decided to go to the bar hoping the break in conversation would bring the real Steve back. 

Pizza Boxes

‘Hey have you tried that new pizza place yet?’ Johnny asked remembering that Steve had told him that there was a new takeaway pizza shop just round the corner from where Steve lived.

‘Yeah, it’s pretty good, better than Domino’s anyway, much cheaper too.

‘That’s good.’

‘But..,’

Johnny didn’t like the sound of that ‘but’.

‘Get this, they charge 10p for the box? So you pay for your pizza and then there is an extra charge for the box. What the fuck is that about?’

‘Well I guess those boxes don’t come cheap do they?’ Johnny tried to argue but Steve was having none of it.

‘Okay fair enough, but why charge for them? Why have an added price on the bill? Why not just integrate the price into the price of the pizza. I mean it’s only a takeaway place, it’s not a sit down restaurant. It’s not as if I’m going to go there and say I’ll have a pizza please, but don’t worry about the box put it straight into my hands.’ Steve held out both his hands to illustrate the point.

‘Or yeah delivery please but don’t put it in a box, it’ll be fine as it is.’

Johnny nodded wondering if he was going to be allowed to get a word in edgeways.

‘It’s nonsense, they should just add the charge on to the pizza. Hey, maybe I could buy a job lot of those boxes and go there with my own, pop it here I could say.’ Steve mimed handing a box to Johnny.

Johnny smiled, ‘I’d love to see the look on the faces if you did that.’ he managed to say before Steve continued with his train of thought.

‘Or maybe not throw the box away, recycle it, go back with the same one next time. In fact, I could invent a box for life? You know made out of plastic or something, it’s genius. Maybe I could go on Dragon’s Den. I wonder if there could be a market for that. Go down the eco-friendly route. It might be a winner.’

Johnny looked at Steve to see if he had finished. He had.

‘Well, I’ll tell you what you can do Steve, how about recycling these glasses and getting us another beer?’

‘Okay.’ Steve went off to the bar still mulling over the idea of a box for life.

The End of Humanity

‘Hey how was the rest of Christmas?’ Johnny smiled and took a mouthful of Guinness. It was the first time he’d seen Steve since Christmas morning.

‘Don’t ask!’

‘Oh dear, that good?’

‘Oh it was okay but I had two of the worst presents ever, and I mean ever, I would have preferred a fucking Hobot 168 than the shit I got this year.’

‘Well, it’s meant to be the thought that counts Steve.’ Johnny smiled, he had the feeling he was going to enjoy this.

‘Exactly and these presents show that the people involved, who will remain nameless, put absolutely no thought into it at all. If they thought about me even slightly, they would know I would rather get nothing than get thatcrap.’

‘Spit it out what did you get. I can’t stand the suspense.’

‘A fucking onesie and if that’s not bad enough a Christmas jumper.’

But it was Johnny who spat it out, his beer across the table, laughing at the thought of Steve wearing either of those items.

‘Can you imagine the look on my face, holding those things up and having to say thank you, for fuck’s sake if one wasn’t bad enough, one of each.’ 
Johnny smiled at the thought hoping there’d be photos.
‘Both the onesie and the Christmas jumper are’ Steve continued  ‘the final confirmation that all hope is lost for western humanity. Three years ago they were joke items, things to be luaghed at. How the bloody hell did they become the must have fashion accessory of 2013? It just shows how gullible people can be.’ 

‘Gullible? How do you mean?’ Johnny asked.

‘It’s bread and circuses mate, bread and circuses. Look at this country, house prices up, unemployment up, interest rates up, but I’ve got this cute little onesie and this fucking hilarious Christmas jumper so all is well in the world.’

‘So have you worn them? Please tell me there are photos?’ Johnny was grinning like a kid with a chocolate from the Christmas tree.

‘Fuck off! I have, the world might have lost its sense of shame but I haven’t. I’d rather wear Ugg boots than that crap and you will never find me in a pair of them.’

‘That’s a pity.’

‘No they are already in bags to be taken to the charity shop.’

‘Ah the spirit of Christmas.’

‘There’s nowhere in the bible that says you have to dress like a prat is there? I don’t remember the three wise men slipping on onesies and jumping on their camels or the shepherds shearing their flocks by night so they could make a jumper with Rudolph the bloody red nose reindeer on it.’

Johnny smiled pointed to Steve’s empty glass, watched his friend nod and then went to get them both a fresh pint.